A Gift Is As Much For The One Who Gives As It Is For The One Who Receives

My 21st birthday was a few of days ago, and I got crazy. So crazy, the last thing I decided to do that night was to go see a movie.  As my friends and I left the theater, I heard the sound of music playing. With very little investigation, I discovered where the music was coming from. Outside the theater, just a couple of feet up the sidewalk were two young men-one of whom had a keyboard.

As we stood on the sidewalk waiting for my ride to come, the music soon stopped. The music stopped, and these two guys started to have a conversation with each other. The guy without the keyboard asked the other if people ever stopped and talked to him there. "Nah" he replied, "most people just keep walking." His friend said that that sucked and it must get pretty lonely. And, in so many words, the guy with the keyboard agreed that it did suck and it was indeed very lonely.

That was it. The conversation was over. But in that short little  conversation, it was clear to me that these two guys shared an understanding that not many people have- these two guys, both of whom presented as likely being homeless, seemed to truly know exactly what the other was going through. 

I don't know if my friend overhead their conversation too, but a minute later, she walked over to the guy with the keyboard and asked if he could play happy birthday. I had told her not to, thinking that the absolute last thing this guy who was obviously struggling would want to do is sing happy birthday to me. But she did anyway. He wasted no time in telling her that happy birthday was the one song he didn't know. 

Ha! I thought, he obviously wanted nothing to do with this. Because really, who doesn't know the happy birthday- he inturupted my thought then, by saying "but! I can make something up!" Intrigued, I turned  to watch as music began to hum through his keyboard once again. 

It was the most unconventional happy birthday song I have ever heard, and I couldn't tell you what half the words were-something about lots of bar hopping and many more years to come. But as he sang, his face lit up with an absolute unmistakable joy. Almost a childlike joy, like he didn't have a care in the world. 

And I thought we were bothering him...

I love giving gifts, and taking any opportunity I can get to remind people how important they are to me. But I am horrible at recieving the same from others. It almost feels like... an unnecessary inconvenience? I feel bad when people go out of their way for me, and I'm never quite sure how to react. 

But this kid, his keyboard, and most of all, the joy on his face reminded me of something: Sometimes a gift is not only for the one who receives. This kid gave me the gift of a song that I almost didn't take. And if my friend would have listened to me when I said "no, don't bother him" I would've robbed him of the chance to share what he loved with us. In giving me the gift of my one of a kind birthday song, he was able to share his music with people. To have his music be heard, instead of just being  more white noise in the ears of people who may or may not give him a second glance...Happy birthday to me!

I might also add that he was the only person to sing happy birthday to me that day and it was pretty great. 

I'm Too Quiet For My Own Good

 "What?? I can't hear you, speak up!" I have heard this phrase or some variation of it almost every day for as long as I can remember. This is the phrase that tells me I need to take a deep breath and start over, making a conscious effort to speak louder so that the person standing just 3 feet away from me can hear whatever it is I have to say. I can assure you that I have full lung capacity and the complete physical ability to be loud, but for reasons I don't quite understand, my default has always been quiet.

Perhaps along those same lines, perhaps not, I have what you might call a very good filter.  You know that person who seems to say anything and everything that pops into their head, usually resulting in inappropriate comments at even more inappropriate times? I am not that person.  I tend to say very little of what is actually in my head. I can think of a couple reasons for this: first, I hate confrontation. It is one of the very few things that I truly hate in this world. As a result, if my saying something has the potential to make someone else angry, subsequently creating confrontation, I would rather just not say it. Secondly, verbally articulating my thoughts has never been a strong suit of  mine. Words seem to get stuck in my mouth, and frequently I end up sounding like an idiot who may or may not know the alphabet. This is especially true when I tried to talk about things that I am passionate about.

Fortunately though, I do know the alphabet, as evidenced by my recent graduation from the University of Washington. I loved my time in college. And I even learned a few things there. Not the least of which is that, while I despise it, I'm a pretty good writer. I'm a pretty good writer, and when I write, I have the ability to articulate my thoughts in a way that I often don't through speech: clearly and concisely. The only explanation I have for this is that writing allows me to first be able to think about and process how I feel about a situation before responding. When in conversation with someone, it is often the expectation that a response will be immediate. While I can and do do this on a daily basis, my responses through speech, in my opinion, are far less intelligent sounding than if I have the chance to sit down and write it.

 College taught me something else too: I have a lot to say. In the weeks since graduation, this fact is left me with quite the dilemma.  I don't speak much (at least as compared to what's in my head, anyway), and when I do, it's likely that I won't say it anywhere near loud enough for anyone to hear, but I have a lot to say. Essentially, I am too quiet for my own good. This leaves me with one option: writing what  I think. As I said earlier, I really don't like writing, but as of about three weeks ago, I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands.

So, I figure I will give this blogging thing a try (again). Welcome to  Sometimes I Think_____. This is the place where I will say what I think without actually saying it.  I hope you enjoy the ride, it could be a fun one :-)